Heart Burn

I have a good excuse. Really, I do!

Being in graduate school, I've been using up my daily allotment of words by around 3pm. I just don't have any left to put in this blog. Well, I found an old stash of words buried behind some old books in the attic and thought that they could be used here.

In four weeks I will have completed all the requirements for my Master's degree. With a long road still to go, being able to look back and see how far I've come empowers me to keep moving forward. The more I learn about School Psychology and the students that populate our schools, the more I am convinced that I was made for this. That's a good feeling.

Allie and I were recently talking about all that has happened the last two years and how we got here. We agreed that we are driven by a persistent, gnawing, and haunting desire to live with brutal commitment to never settle for "good enough" as we stumble down the path God is leading us. I believe that there is a fire that burns within the heart of every man/woman. Most think the answer to heart-burn is to anesthetize themselves into thinking their life is "ok." We can either zantac our hearts into submission, or we can let the fire burn with a blaze that motivates us to move, change, act, laugh, cry, and ultimately raise our hands in surrender.

What makes your heart burn?

You Are a Tourist
"When there's a burning in your heart
An endless fury in your heart
Build it bigger than the Sun
Let it grow
Let it grow
And there's a burning in your heart
Don't be alarmed

When there's a doubt in your mind
'Cos you think it all the time
Framin' rights into wrongs
Move along
Move along
When there's a doubt in your mind

When there's a burning in your heart
And you think it'll burst apart
Oh, there's nothing to fear
Save the tears
Save the tears

When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then, it's time to go
And you find your destination with so many different places to call home
Cos' when you find yourself a villain,
In the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions
Are in need of redemptions
Would you agree
If so, please show me
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)"
-- Death Cab for Cutie

Some Tough Days

**Sigh**

You know those days when you wish God would stoop down and just give you a big bear hug? Allie and I could use a big hug right about now. We have been persevering though some strange and difficult situations recently and would greatly appreciate a respite. It's not that EVERYTHING is going wrongly. Of course things can always be worse off than they are. I guess we're just pushing through a nasty part of this adventure.

1) The death of childhood dreams.
I think that every child has idilic visions of the future full of cozy Christmases at the grandparents', camping trips with cousins, and family reunion flag football feuds. When the reality of life buries those dreams under piles of steaming anger, mistakes, and good intentions all that remains of those once pleasant hopes are feelings of what might have been. Allie and I are still trying to figure out how to cope with and rise above my parents imminent divorce which has effectively served to divorce the entire family from one other. It's discouraging and exhausting.

2) The struggle with a strange illness.
After a great summer working at Summer Fenn, the summer camp program of The Fenn School, I was bitten by a tick and ended up contracting Lyme Disease. Four doctors, two visits to the ER, a spinal tap, CT scan and several bottles of ibuprofen later, I am finally feeling on the mend. Right now, all that remains are some occasionally achy joints. However, this is still a little-known disease and doctors have not been able to give us a very consistent prognosis for the future. I know this has weighed heavily on Allie.

3) Chloe.
Our little cat, the other love of Allie's life was hit by a car (this last weekend) as she tried to run back across the road. Thankfully, she was not killed. Rather, she suffered a severely broken hip. The vet decided that surgery was not a good idea due to her small size and the location of the break. So, we have brought Chloe home with hopes that her injuries will heal appropriately on their own. The vet assured us that she'll be able to walk and maybe even run after she heals, so hopefully our little fighter will continue to amaze us all.

So, if you remember, please pray for the Stoddard/Provost household. I'm trying not to sound too despondent or complain too much. It's just life right now. God is good, and we know that. And we sure could use a hug.

A Light in a Dark Place

Last weekend was the annual Gym Show at Planet Gymnastics, the gym where Allie's been the Preschool Director/Special Events Director/Camp Director/Personal Coach/Interventionist/Counselor/Planner/Employee Extraordinaire.

The Gym Show is simply a short program providing the kids a chance to show their parents everything they've learned from their coaches. I snuck in and took a couple of photos at two shows. What they reveal is something incredible:

Allie's last several months at the gym have been incredibly trying. Very few people would stand strong in the midst of all that she has been enduring. The trials and struggles at the gym came to a head the weekend of the Show. Anyone of lesser quality would have simply gone through the motions and done their duty, but not my wife. Her acceptance and continual encouragement of the kids put in her charge was reflected on the faces of the kids as she helped them all through their routines. I was awestruck by her love, strength, and Christlikeness.

I can remember very few moments that I saw Jesus being tangibly reflected in someone's life. I suppose that we all have moments of kindness as we stop for someone crossing the street or say a nice word to someone in the checkout line, but to live out Christlike love and grace in the face of incredible opposition is something else altogether. Allie showed me what that looks like last weekend.

It's something that I will never forget and always admire.

A Church Saga Part 1 (Written One Year Ago)

It’s now 10:29am on a Friday in June. I am still attempting to come to grips with my current disillusionment with the church. Alarmingly, I have felt my anger towards God’s people turn to an anger directed to God Himself. I see and hear “Christians” treating others with blatant disregard for the Name they carry and I am angry. I am angry that God does not smack His people up-side the head and tell them they are making a mess out of Life. I am angry at the lack of grace. I am angry at the religiosity. I am angry that I used to be so prideful in my representing of Jesus Christ.

Jesus did not command us to go into the world stingy with love, grace, acceptance, and gentleness. Jesus Christ, the King of the Universe and Lover of mankind desires that His people live with extravagant grace! Sadly, we have set a guardrail of religiosity around our lives keeping us safe from things that make us uncomfortable. The irony here is incredible! The Freedom revealed for us, as Followers of Jesus, has become a stain-glass prison. With our lists of does and don’ts, committees, and aimless traditions, it is no wonder “outsiders” have no interest walking through the doors of a limiting and restraining idea such as Christianity.

We’ve got it all backwards. We should not ask people to come to church. The onus is on us to go to them! If others see Jesus’ people coming to them with open arms, engaging them on their turf, not attempting to reform them or change their behavior, the foundation of the gospel becomes realized once again. Isn’t that what Jesus did? Jesus walked through the red-light districts of His day with open arms and a smile on his face. Jesus ate dinner in the homes of “mob bosses.” When the people did come to him, he loved them even when they cut a hole in the roof of his house.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a church meeting in Sonny’s Bar? Not a church preaching sobriety or one that rents out the space for a worship service, but a group of Believers willing to rub shoulders with the hurting, confused, and tired. Can you see it? Sadly, most cannot and will not entertain an idea of the church existing beyond the steeple.

Memory That Makes Me Smile.

Enjoy! ...and go to Maui someday. You will not regret it.